I wish that just once my best friend would tell me what I want to hear rather than what I need to hear. But then she wouldn’t be the girl I love & adore.
So, “What do I have to lose?” Well… other than straying away from the path of absolutely no vulnerability—-how about a whole lot of pride? I’m not too into the whole exposing thing.
You see all the time in movies—the girl who’s build up internal walls shielding her from great love. You never…well at least I never…believed you’d become her. So what to do, dear non-existent followers? To date, or not to date. Hmm…
It’s probably my own fault for following Devin on instagram. I was just casually scrolling along & then I saw her. A beautiful newborn girl. I froze when I read the caption and examined it a little closer before double clicking the photo to “like it”.
Even though I made the decision to let Erik go a long time ago rare faint reminders still follow me after all those years. The majority of our relationship is forgotten, but occasionally fragmented memories come to me blurred to the extent that I sometimes have to assure myself that once upon a time, we were real. I suppose you never do forget your first love.
So here is a list of things I cannot forget:
The stories he would tell me about his childhood and how it made me feel like I had known him my whole life.
How being goofy was a huge part of his personality and for that whenever I had any annoyance towards him, it’d never last for long because his reaction would make me laugh.
How above all, he’d always made me feel special. Just little remarks that never went unnoticed or unappreciated.
The repetition of “I just want you to be happy” and knowing that it was genuine and wondering why I couldn’t have him & make him feel that I was truly happy.
The way I can’t remember why we broke up. Only that there were a lot of tears & nothing but hope that we’d rekindle a flame somewhere down the line.
Finding out he had a new girlfriend and moving on myself, not keeping in touch until years later.
Finding out he joined the military and was stationed in NY with his wife.
Deciding to let him go and be a husband to a lucky girl.
That was the first time I let him go. I knew I couldn’t be selfish, he never was with me and it was the least I could do. But out of pure stupidity I texted him a year later, I had blanked on his birthday & figured it was reason enough to talk to him. It was then that I learned that he and his wife were divorced. We continued the conversation like we hadn’t not spoken to each other in so long. And it may have been a coincidence, but I’m convinced that it wasn’t, the conversation we had was while he was on borrowed time—and at any minute he’d recieve a phone call to be deployed.
He asked me to e-mail him and so I did, only to no respond.
Him making it official with someone else.
Him venting about how she messed around with another guy while he was on deployment
Convincing him to work things out, and he did.
And a year later I found out she was pregnant.
This is the second time I’m letting go. After that first divorce, I guess my crazy mind sparked that maybe somehow there was space for me. It’s funny now that I think about, I never really had a second chance.
So here I am, years since we loved & months since the pregnancy discovery, thinking about the photo on instagram. I am overwhelmed with the sentiments of knowing he will be an amazing father & truly hoping the best for him.
I guess I made this new tumblr because I miss the way tumblr felt when I orginally made my first one in 2009. When it was a supportive blogging community & tumblarity was cool but really didn’t matter because you blogged for yourself more than anything else. So here I am, 0 followers, but happy as a bee to be starting new.
My name is Evangeline, in time you might be able to call me Eva. I created this new tumblr in hopes that it’d be the most authentic reflection of my life. Surely it’ll probably bore most who happen to stumble upon it—but know that like in 2009, I’m blogging for myself.